The devil's day is cresting the
horizon, and all through the
expanse of Texas you can hear
the faint murmur of boyfriends
booking dinner reservations,
girlfriends trying on new
dresses and panties, and single
people wiping the dust from their
romance films and novels and
sending messages to any and all
who traverse the world of
digital dating. For some,
Valentine's Day brings much
needed vigor into their humping.
Others see this day as little
more than a reminder that
sitting on your hand before you
jerk off is not the same as
f*cking (i.e. The Stranger) and
chatting over World of Warcraft
differs from lying beside someone.
Regardless
of your
opinion, the
commercial
juggernaut
that is
Valentine's
Day is
barreling towards us. With it
come a slew of horrific heart
puns, chocolate, and GMO roses.
In this mess, you can find a few
myths that have been perpetuated
by various industries looking to
make a buck and a plethora of
uninventive people hoping to find
the mythic One. Here are a few.
Myth #1: Going out to dinner and indulging is a
good idea before sex. If you think
dropping over one hundred
dollars on a meal and ordering
the goat cheese fondue will
result in a stupendous day
brimming with coital bliss, you
are an idiot. Few things are
worse than unleashing a
thunderous flatulent complete
with oily discharge mid-thrust.
Realizing you have a case of
whiskey dick is not much better.
In short, take it easy on the
meal and booze, or work up
your appetite by f*cking before
you eat. Your evening will be
much cleaner if you do.
Myth #2: Nothing says 'Be My Valentine' like
chocolates. While some people love
chocolate, others don't. In
fact, some may think a gift of
chocolates indicative of a
complete lack of imagination.
They may see that chocolate
heart and think, "You boring
asshole." If you want to avoid
a set of rolling eyes, consider
something other than a
Hershey's bar.
Myth #3: Valentine's Day cards are clever and
show affection. Valentine's Day cards
are where platitudes, clichés,
and puns go to die. Here,
Hallmark and other companies
brand these expressions with
hearts and striped uniforms
barely distinguishable from one
another. They then force these
expressions to perform mindless
labor until they are hollowed of
all substance. Then, once these
phrases are nothing more than
skeletons robbed of all
potential, they are thrown into
the dumpster. Yes, Valentine's
Day cards are key perpetrators
of the linguistic holocaust. If
the best way you can show
your feelings is one of these
cards, tattoo, "TV ARE GOOD,
REIDING ARE BAD," on your
forehead.
Myth #4: Being alone on Valentine's Day is
horrible and pathetic. Yes, being alone
when you would prefer to be
with someone you care about
can be awful. However, there is
plenty to do without all the
bullshit that is Valentine's Day.
You can watch Say Anything , and
eat ice cream, make dinner and
enjoy not having to share it
with someone else, or act as if
Valentine's Day is a day like any
other. Or, you can hang out
with other single people. In this
way, you will not be alone in
multiple senses of this word. If
you are with others, you can
then engage in cathartic
activities like egging parked cars
outside of romantic
restaurants, discussing your
terrible previous relationships,
and/or masturbating in a circle
jerk. The possibilities are endless!
No comments:
Post a Comment